Article

Regrets

I’ve just woken from a very disturbing dream. I was a ghost, talking with other ghosts about all my regrets, and trying desperately to get back to life.

It started with me waking from my death. There was first denial, then a profound dread of regret. I then pleaded with the Lord to send me back to life and repeatedly tried to “shock” myself back into life by standing in front of cars or jumping off buildings. My singular thought was that I wasn’t finished living – I had things to do. The other ghosts told me it was futile but somehow I knew I would go back. Eventually I found one living person who could talk to me. A good friend from college. But this guy was high as a kite and while he understood my situation, was unable to do anything about it. 

It was a pretty short dream, thank God. But the emotions and convictions are raw, fresh, and noteworthy. Honestly, I live with many regrets. In another life I’m a totally different person who’s killed goliaths and sacked cities. Somewhere along this road I’ve lost my step and settled for walking when flying is available. I look at the christians from the New Testament and can’t find any sort of resemblance to myself. 

CS Lewis had it right: “Indeed, if we consider the unblushing promises of reward and the staggering nature of the rewards promised in the Gospels, it would seem that Our Lord finds our desires, not too strong, but too weak. We are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea. We are far too easily pleased.”

Resolved, to live each day as it were my last – with no regrets.